I’ve thought LONG and HARD about blogging on this topic. I’ve had a few years to chew on it and I think I’m ready to really express how I feel. It’s my blog and I can cry if I want to. LOL! Just teasin’. Trying to lighten the mood. Side Note: this is just how I feel…my own opinion and is not directed at anyone in particular. That said…here goes:
I will start off by saying that I’m tired of women (who come in contact with me) who gasp at the fact that I A) have no children and I’m married and B) that I do not want children. *Pausing for those to pick their mouths off the floor.* Yes, it’s true. I’ve never wanted to have children and I struggled with that all my life. Because of one reason. People told me that I wasn’t a woman in a round about way and also told me that I was letting my equipment go to waste. HUH?? Being a people pleasure, I struggled. I tried to find it within me to some how muster up the desire to have children. I was afraid that no man would love me. I was afraid that I wouldn’t find a man that felt the same way. I smiled on the outside….but I was in turmoil on the inside. Striving to please and do what was “right” in the eyes of society. Trying to fit in. Trying to understand why I didn’t have the same longing to be a mother like half if not all of my female friends. Does it mean that I do not like/love children? AB.SO.LUTE.LY not. I love little kids and they’re drawn to me for some reason. Probably because I can get down and giggle with the best of them. I love that about children and about myself. But why must those around me discourage me into thinking that I’m wrong for not being a mother? I’m selfish is what some will say. My Hubs loves me for me and I believe he was brought into my life for a reason.
I ALMOST made the decision to have children because I thought that that was the best thing to do. I figured that I would all of a sudden have the desire. I felt pressured to do it. I thought if I had children, I’d be included in the “I’m a real woman” club. The friends that had children (not all of them) stop calling me and Hubs to hang out. I was left out of Mommy day’s out. I felt like such an outcast. Never to be included into the “mommy’s club”. I figured if I had children, I would never leave another woman who didn’t have kids out of the group. I’d be different. But is that reason enough to have kids? To start a group?? No. Not for me. I remember in some settings I would talk to some of the kids around me and I could feel eyeballs staring at me….like why would I even bother to talk to them since I didn’t want kids.
The most recent thing that happened to me that was the cherry on top of all of my emotions was a few days ago. I was at a retreat that was meant for me and Hubs to relax with a group of other couples. I was standing around the fire pit chatting it up with the Ladies while the boys played Corn Hole (which btw I’m getting better at playing!). One of the ladies had a 6 month old little girl who was an ANGEL. All she did was coo and make cute little baby noises all day…all night. I made a comment that her child was the cutest little thing and she must be a blessing because she’s soooo good. She mentioned that she was and that she was thankful. She also mentioned that she was doing the cloth diapers and all the other moms chimed in on how honorable that was. I asked the simple question of at what age/stage do you stop using cloth diapers and she snapped at me “Why do you care? You don’t even want children” I was mortified and humiliated as all the other women gasped silently and asked why I didn’t. They gave me their speech about this and that and they’ve never met a woman who didn’t want children. I walked away and went to find a bench to cry on pretty much. This is why I sometimes can’t deal with women as friends. We should be encouraging each other…not telling another woman that she’s not “normal” or a woman. According to who??
I’m confident in my decision. I have a Godson whom I love to death and would take care of as my own. We shouldn’t judge others or their decisions. We should respect them. Not everyone’s walk in life will be the same….
The end. I feel better now.